for today's post i shall be posting up a couple of jokes that i read off the viwawa forum, hahas, i find it funny and thought of sharing it with you.
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife : 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, "There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead."
Father 1: My son is filthy rich, he gav a Mercedes to his beloved
Father 2: My son is richer, he gav a banglo to his beloved
Father 3: My son is poor and homoseksual
Father 1: aiyo, sad for you
Father 2: that is bad.... u r unlucky
Father 3:But he just got a Mercedes and banglo from his gay partner
Three girls were on the run from the cops.
During the subsequent high speed chase, Girl 1 spotted a potato farm and suggested that the girls should hide out there.
At the farm, three girls climbed into a potato sack.
The cops came to the potato farm, looked around, but saw no sign of the girls. The sheriff started kicking potato sacks to see if maybe they were hiding.
The sheriff kicked the bag with Girl 1 in it and she yelped “Bark Bark” so they thought it was a dog.
He kicked another sack, this one with Girl 2 in it, and she said “Meow Meow” so they thought it was a cat.
Finally, just as the sheriff was about to give up – he kicked one last bag, with Girl 3 inside, and heard “POTATO!”
Ah Beng bought a Honda VTI recently and drove to Ah Lian's place to show it to her. So there Ah Beng was bragging the various functions of his new car to his girlfriend.
"This is ah, so fast even the Mata Chia cannot catch ah!"
"Ha! Really ah!!! Steady lah!" said Ah Lian.
"Some more hor, this is Automatic one, vely easy to drive!"
So Ah Lian said, "Let me try! I wan, I wan!"
So Ah Lian took the driver's seat and shifted the gear and floored the & accelerator. The next moment, the car speed backwards and crashed into the lamp-post.
"Alamak! What u doing? U Siao Char Bo! U see lah! Wah Piang eh!" screamed
Ah Beng.
"Solee, solee, pai sah lah! No lah, I tot hor, "R" for racing mah!"*
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'
Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.'
'What about you, Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.'
'And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'
'I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you after dinner.''
The teacher fainted.
This is a must read:
A first-grade teacher, Ms Anna (Age 22 ) was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked the boy, 'what is your problem?'
The boy answered, 'I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!'
Ms Anna had enough. She took the boy to the principal's office. While the boy waited at the reception of the office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms Anna he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.
The boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Boy: '9'.
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Boy: '36'.
So it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Anna and tells her, 'I think Boy can go to the third-grade. '
Ms Anna says to the principal, 'I have some of my own questions, can I ask him?' The principal and Boy both agree.
Ms Anna asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy: after a moment 'Legs.'
Ms Anna: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
Boy: 'Pockets.'
Ms Anna: 'What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid'?
Boy: 'Coconut'
Ms Anna: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky'?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge.
Boy: 'Bubblegum'
Ms Anna: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs'?
The principal's eyes open really wide again and before he could stop the answer...
Boy: 'Shake hands'
Ms Anna: 'Now, I will ask some who am I sort of questions, okay'?
Boy: 'Yep.'
Ms Anna: 'You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.'
Boy: 'A tent'
Ms Anna: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense. He took one large Vodka peg.
Boy: 'Wedding Ring'
Ms Anna: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Boy: Nose
Ms Anna: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow
Ms Anna: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy: Firetruck
Ms Anna: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if you dont get it you have to use your hand.
Boy: Fork
Ms Anna: What is it that all men have one of. It's longer on some men than on others, the pope does not use his, and a man gives it to his wife after they are married?
Boy: Surname
Ms Anna: What part of the man has no bones but has muscles, lots of veins and loves pumping?
Boy: 'Heart'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher. 'Send this boy to Stanford University ; I got all the questions wrong'.
A slighted R-rated joke, not for the minors:
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your ********* are square.'
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'
'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my ********* are not square.'
'Done', the elderly woman answered. '
But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his *********, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his ********* as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's ********* were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them.. 'Of course', said
the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied,
'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !'
Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you
control your anger?"
Wife: "I clean the toilet."
Husband: "How does that help?"
Wife: "I use your toothbrush ."
R-rated joke again:
There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."
The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."
have fun laughing!
alfred has nothing to do at 22:02
